Beautiful Photography

My dh sent me this url today. Arent' these photos beautuiful?


http://www.skeiescapes.com/index.php?p=1_1

Makes me want to break out my (very simple) Canon camera and take some shots myself :)

Been Awhile - and new adventures

Well, It's been awhile since I posted. Life has been so busy lately. I'm feeling better overall. I'm not as depressed and aimless. Guess that's owing to the decision to homeschool my oldest! He was having trouble with anxiety and other factors and so we decided to pull him out of his 3rd quarter at 7th grade and I will teach him for now. We decided to homeschool through 8th grade, and then re-evaluate at that time. It's very possible that we will finish his high school at home as well as homeschool my youngest once he gets to 6th grade (which is middle school here.). Most of the time this week it's been a good thing. We've had one or two small skirmishes, but no huge blow-ups, so that's good. We are both learning together now. I have to learn to teach him, and how he learns, and he needs to learn to treat his "mom" as his "teacher". But he does enjoy having his afternoons free for the most part.

Here's a video I just saw today. Very kewl in my opinion.

More snow .. yuck

It snowed again over the weekend, and it's snowing now. I'm really tired of this snow. I could really use some sunshine .. and some warmth. It's 25 right now .. which I could actually be ok with if it was sunny and not snowing! I really have the urge to go out and take a walk or a bike ride, but it's just too nasty out.

I'm listening to different music, and found this one.



It's very beautiful! Makes me want to go find a warm river and just listen and watch creation. I miss the greenery, and the birds, and the animals .. :(

Still struggling

Ok, I'm still struggling with this concept of - maybe it's ok to spend money on myself or for something that I want.

I would like to get out of the house today - but in the same breath - I would hate to waste the gas (money) on me getting out of the house to do nothing .. plus, if I go where I want to go, I'll spend money, and it's a double waste to spend money on a book or something that I will probably only read once.

The only thing we really need is bread and a few basic groceries. But if I go to the store, then I'll probably buy more then what we absolutely need, and it will be a failure to spend more than necessary. *sigh*

Why can't I get out of that thought process ?

Today Today Today

Well, I had bible study this morning. And I'm feeling ok today. I'm hungry all the time since I'm counting calories again :( but I'm making it ok. Haven't broken down and eaten a whole symphony 1lb bar ! :) That's always a good thing. I'm on track for calories today, but I'm still so hungry. Guess I got more out of shape calorie-wise then I thought!

In study we are talking about prayer, and how we should make our lives a continuous prayer to God, a continuous relaitonship and communication between us and God. I know that He is my constant companion, but I think sometimes I block him out. Not intentionally, but just by allowing "life" to come between me and Him. Something I'm going to work on - keeping my focus on God and not on all the petty life issues.

I think I'll go watch Charmed .. (not really cohesive today uh? lol)

Excerpt from Beth Moore's book

here is an excerpt from the 1st chapter of Beth's book... availble onthis website:

http://www.solonginsecurity.com/

“Women want to be told that they are captivating. That they’re beautiful.
Desirable.”
I won’t deny that. What woman wouldn’t thrive under that
kind of steady affirmation?
But here’s my question: What if no one tells us that? Can
we still find a way to be okay? Or what if he says it because he’s
supposed to, but to be honest, he’s not feeling it? Are we hopeless?
What if a man is not captivated by us? What if he doesn’t
think we’re particularly beautiful? Or, understandably, maybe
just not every day? Are we only secure on his “on” days? What if
he loves us but is not quite as captivated by us as he used to be?
What if his computer is full of images of what he finds attractive,
and we’re light-years from it? What if we’re seventy-five,
and every ounce of desirability is long behind us? Can we still
feel adequate in our media-driven society? Or is it only possible
if our man has gone blind?

Okay, that's it, I'm going to buy this book. I had a hard time pausing from reading the first chapter to post this - I'm reading the first chapter, and then I'm going to go to Walmart or the Christian book store and get this book as fast as I can!

Today ... I'm cold!

Well, today is turning out to be a fairly good day. It was negative degrees this morning, but the temps are climbing, although my hands are still frozen. I am on good footing with dh, which is excellent, even if I wish we could go forward. The boys DID have school, even though it was 2 hours late. And I helped out a friend to figure out blogger this morning. So all in all a good morning.

I saw this website: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/ and it brought to my attention Beth Moore's newest book - "So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us." And man, do I relate! I'm thinking of getting the book so I can work along with it on the blog. The title sounds like just something I need! I've look at my library's online catalog, and they don't have it :( .. so I can't borrow the book, may have to buy it.

But anyhoo, it got me thinking .. why am I so insecure. Why do I look at myself and think "what an ugly bitch"? Who put those thoughts in my head? I don't think I'm ugly, not really, it's more a fear of being ugly. I know I'm not "Farrah Fawcet" (man that dates me), but I'm not ... unattractive, am I? There are times that I see myself in the mirror, and I think, "Maybe I am a *little* bit pretty? Possibly?" .. but I don't believe it because no one has ever told me I'm pretty. The only thing I remember being called in regards to my physical appearance is "chubby" and "too tall". Which brings to mind another point - why the heck do I need others to tell me I'm attractive? Why can't I believe, on my own, that I'm attractive and a "good" person? Why can't I believe that I'm worth anything?

There are times when I'm content, and I wouldn't say happy, because I'm afraid to let myself be happy, but that's another story, but I get times of contentment, where for the moment.. just that moment, I'm ok with who I am, and I am able to keep the demons at bay. demons - satan - man, how he has attacked my dh, ds's and I these last few months. one trial after another.

Lord, God, please deliver us from Satan's attacks on us. Help us keep faith in you. So many times I feel like giving up. So many times I wonder if anything is worth doing, if my life is worth it. You created me, and so you must have a reason, you must think I'm worth it, but why can I not believe that? 'Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" about sums it up.

I'm counting calories again. I haven't been for months, but I kept climbing again this month, gained back 10 lbs on the scale yesterday ... and I just couldn't let it go anymore. My eating habits were getting worse, eating instead of letting myself feel my emptiness. I noticed today that my weight was down a few again, so that's good ... but I'm soooo hungry. I hate counting calories, only with God's help am I able to withstand it. He helps me bear it, and be able to do what must be done. That doesn't make it easy, far from it, but it makes it bearable. I need to lose 30-40 lbs .. and I will, but it may not fully happen until spring, summer. If I can just get down 10 lbs in the next couple of months I will be better.

I've come to realize something though, I lost 60 lbs over a period of a year last year ... and for a short time, it made me feel better about myself, but that didnt' last long. Losing the weight does not take away the insecurities and self-condemnation. I still see myself as fat and ugly, no matter what my physical body really is. I'm certainly not as fat as I used to be, but my emotional brain doesn't "count" it. It's hard to explain. I need to lose the weight for my physical well-being, and for my emotional well-being. It is certainly part of my self-image problem. But it won't solve the problem on it's own. Being skinny will not help me feel better about myself.

I need to learn to be ok with me. Just me. Who I am. This minute.

How do I do that? How do I learn to like myself? Is that why no one wants to be around me ? because I don't like myself? I don't let many people see that part of me. Hardly anyone knows that I hate myself most of the time. Dh knows of course. but no one else. Atleast I haven't revealed it to them consciously. Does anyone else know? mmmm .. thought to ponder. But then again, does it matter if anyone else knows? I hide behind a nice safe facade, and does anyone see me? Sometimes I think of the song "The Wall" by Pink Floyd. I listened to that song over and over and over again in high school. Also loved "Dark Side of the Moon". "Is there anybody out there?" very depressing albums though. Haven't really listened to them in a decade or more ... probably a good idea not to! lol

no more thoughts today - ds1 just called to ask for something to be brought to school that he forgot, and i said no - he'll have to deal with the consequences of him not checking his bag to make surehe had everything .. and part of me says he has to learn the lesson the hard way, and a part of me wants to rush over there and make everything alright. It's hard to say no - but he needs to learn responsibility, and if that means he doesn't get an A in every class, then so be it. *sigh* but now I'm feeling like a rotten mother :(

1 pass done

Well, I got one pass f the driveway done, with about 5-10 min. to spare.

the second pair of mittens worked much better.

my hands are warm... but I'm tired and my back hurts *sigh* .. and of course the snow is still coming down, so I'll have to do it again before dh comes home.

But atleast I'll be able to get back in the drieveway when I get back from picking up ds2.

We are on a hill and our driveway slopes up towards the house just a little bit, and so it's not the getting out that's usually the problem, it's the getting in without hitting the 4-5 foot snow drifts at the sidesof the driveway!

My fingers are frosen!

Ok, I've shoveed right in front of the driveway and beside the house .. and that's not qute 1/2 of the driveway ... and my fingertips are burning cold ! :()

I had fingerless mitts on under my regular mitts (knit ones from my grandma)and my palms are nice and warm, but my fingertips are so froszen! :(

came in to warm up a minute and to get some reg. mittens to put under my grma ones :)

I'm breathing heavy already ... and not enjying this in the least ... but it's got to be done .. no one else here to do it. *sigh* this is what dh's are very much good for :)

*uff blow* .. hard to put "hard exhale" in a emoticon . mmm ..maybe they need to creat eone? I also can't really see what I'm typing as my glasses are all fogged up and i'm only seeing a blackgray line snaking across the screen. so I apologize for any typos.

Snow, more snow, and more snow

Well, above are images of my windchime outside my kitchen windows. Last night and then this morning. We were getting quite a bit of melting, but now it's snowing again.





It's very cold. DH is at work, and I have to pick up ds2 from school in 1 hour, so I have to shovel the driveway by myself. I don't mind shoveling, but it's a long driveway, and I think there's probably 3 inches minimum waiting for me .. probably more. 24 Deg and dropping.

I'm feeling a little better right now, I got my paying work nearly finished, just waiting on my boss to give the final ok for the last finishing touches.

I'm struggling with the fact that I broke my cell phone yesterday. I was kind of numb whenit happened, and amazed that dh didn't seem to react to it. I dropped it at the store, and it separated the flip top from the flip bottom :( It actually still works, as the dialing and speaker phone still work, but the top was the display of course, and the vibrate. So cant' see what I'm doing, but could probably call someone if I needed to, and receive calls as well. We went to the store to get another one, and the cheapest one is $100 ! DH didn't make a decision, and so we walked out of the store without anything.

I just can't believe how much money it is, and how I feel so guilty about spending anything on me. Haven't had my hair cut professionally in months, maybe a year - 2?, and stopped my highlights like a year or so ago - ... not getting my massages either like I was - stopped those last fall. I just can't let myself enjoy spending money on me. Why is that? I know why, because deep down, I don't feel I'm worth anything. Part of me says spend it on yourself, cuz even if no one else spends on you, you are worth it. And another part says, if even dh wont' spend anything on my without my saying anything (no vday gift I'm sure, no bday gift, etc .. ) atleast he wouldn't do anything if I didn't say anything .. and this year, I am NOT saying anything .. I'm going to work on keeping my big mouth shut... it just makes everyone else feel bad. I don't feel like I'm complaining or whining or nagging, but whenever I speak my feelings to dh, it makes him upset .. and that just makes everything worse. anyway ..

shoveling isn't going to get done with me typing here. And I can't drive out well withut shoveling first.

Feeling Miserable

So many highs and lows in the last few days ... I'm having a rotten morning, but don't really have time to post much right now. I have to finish some paying work,and then maybe I'll be able to type more ... just had to tell *someone* that I'm feeling awful right now.. feeling a failure in nearly every area of my life, and at the moment, don't see it getting any better ever.

A Picture

I saw this out the window as I was getting ready to drive ds2 to school. I thought it was uniquely beautiful, so I grabbed my camera and took a picture as we were leaving.

"I'm so lonesome.... I could cry"

Well, another day another disaapointment. I am just so tired of trying, and then being ignored.

Today's post may be a bit of a whine-fest, .. just fair warning ....

DH has been pre-occupied with his job search and other things this weekend. Namely his mistress .. but she isn't sexy and curvy, she's box-like with a screen, keyboard, and mouse. ARGH ... He likes to spend time on his computer, lots of time on his computer. and I know he's doing things that are good - searching for a new better job, helping my boss' wife with her computer and getting hers fixed so she can do the financials, but I get so jealous of the time he spends with computers sometimes. Normally I would try to be understanding and supportive, it's just that it's been several days and I've barely been able to get his attention, and it's probably mostly my fault for not being more direct .. and I don'tknow .. most likely I'm just being over-sensitive.

... but .. what makes everything worse, is that I thought my small group was going to have a make-up meeting today since we missed last week due to weather and I offered my house. So this morning I remember, and get up earleir then I normally would so that I can make a coffee cake and clean the house a little to make it more presentable. (I'm a really rotten housekeeper because I'd rather do most anything else other then clean my house!) OH, and the coffee cake I thought didnt' cook long enough - ended up too dry *sigh* .. guess I can't cook very well anymore. I had never gotten confirmation about the meeting, but she did say it was a good idea, and figured better safe then sorry .. and well, guess what, nobody came and nobody bothered to tell me that we weren't going to have a make-up day.

All this is just making me feel so lonely. Re-inforcing the thought that noone wants to be at my house with me, spend time with me, or take the time, spend the energy to get to know me. I feel like such an odd-ball. There is no one else around here that has the same interests I do. They all seem to be caught up in just their kids and keeping house, or they have full-time jobs. Or if they do have some of the interests I have, they have other people to share them with, and dont' need to bother with me.

I sit here doing nothing more then staring at this screen most of the day and wonder why the heck am I here. What wonderful purpose has God set before me that I am not seeing? Nothing I do seems to matter to anyone. Least of all to me. I knit sew quilt .. but those items seem useless, nobody wants the items I make .. I fear the ones I give away to people or to charity are being thrown in the garbage or set in a corner and never seen again. I've been struggling for so long, and I just get so tired. so tired.

We're born, we live, we die... Where is the purpose in that? Why are we here. Why am I here?
What does it matter if I sweep the floor or if I don't? What does it matter if I make supper or let the boys and dh fend for themselves? I just dont' see the point in anything today. I just want to go take a nap or go watch tv or something. so tired.....

I think I'm going to quit small group. I've thought this before. I dont' think it matters if I'm there or not. Nobody would really miss me if I wasn't there. Just stay home and do my own thing. Waiting for God to reveal what he wants me to do. I certainly am not getting any direction from him right now ....

I guess I'll just wait.

don'tknow what else to say or do . . . .