I can't believe it ... :)

Oh My gosh. I created and posted my first post on this blog, and within an hour, within 1/2 hour? within a few minutes? Someone found me? Someone found me who actually could understand what I was talking about? Who felt the same way? That's just too ...surreal?

I had figured it would be months before anyone ever found me. Ever read this blog. And I get a reader, a commenter, and a follower all in an hour? Thank You God! :) He's great in his faithfulness. I needed a little pick me up, he knew that, he let me to create this blog, and he led you to find me. How wonderful it is to have a God like that. :) It just reminds me that He does care, even when I don't feel his presence.

I hope I don't put you off by my "God-talk", I would never shove my beliefs on anyone else. I certainly pray that you have the relationship with God and Jesus that I do, but I am a firm believer in free will as well. God made us with free will for a reason, he doesn't want instinctual worship, he wants us to WANT to give it to him. Isn't that great?

I've been thinking all day what to type about today. I am actually having a pretty good day. Still struggling with being a mom. How do I teach my pre-teen son to deal with his anxiety without actually being his "crutch"? He wants me to sit by him while he goes to sleep and talk with him, but after doing that for a week or so, I just feel like he needs to start learning to fall asleep on his own. I'm reminded of when he was 4 months old, and all the books say not to "ferberize" until 6 months, but this boy, this extremely smart boy was making us walk up and down the hall to put him to sleep and was looking at us and fighting sleep just because he didn't want to be put down! at 4 months I remind you. So smart, so stubborn. We did "ferberize" him and it worked well within a few days.

The Ferber Method is when you put a baby down in their crib, and pat their back and then walk out. If they cry, you come back in 5 minutes, pat their back (do not pick them up) and then walk out again for another 5 minutes. and repeat. As they get better at it, you increase the time between pats - 5 min, 7 min, 10 min... and in this way they learn that you will come back, that they are safe, and that they can put themselves to sleep. I highly recommend the book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber, MD. Found at Amazon

But this past few weeks is reminding me of that. He is older now, more able to understand what is going on, but it's so hard to hear him ask for me and having to say "no". Just like it was so hard to stand outside his room when he was a baby and listen to him cry for the 5 minutes I had to wait before I could go in and reassure him and then leave again. I tell him I want to talk to him, but not at 9:30 at night. If he wants to have one-on-one conversation, we can find another time of day for our chats. *sigh* it's just so hard to say no, so hard to be a mother.

Sometimes I wonder why God gave me two boys. Each of them are totally different from the other. Two ends of the spectrum, and the same mother is supposed to raise them both? What a sense of humor! Sometimes I wish for a girl, twin girls actually, because I have two girl names that I have never used. God has his reason, but I still wonder and have a small bit of hope. Someday maybe, but not in the way I imagined it.

Well, it's bitterly cold here, but atleast the sun is shining. Spring will come, eventually. Wonder what Mr. Groundhog is going to see on the 2nd. Hopefully nothing so that spring will be early! :)

More later . . .

I want to be Beautiful

So, I thought about this some more. If any of you have ever read "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldredge, then you know that the one most deepest desire of all girls and women is to be beautiful. To captivate one person - their dad, and later, their husband. I struggle with this as I'm not the most attractive person, at least not in my mind. My husband says I'm beautiful, but oftentimes I feel they are just words. His actions don't speak on it one way or the other. I believe him, he's just not able to express it with his actions.

I heard this song again this morning .. makes me cry every time.



Am I beautiful? What does my face & body say to the world? Does it matter what I look like? It matters to me, has always mattered to me. I used to have a thicker skin, I think, but it still hurt to be neglected by boys, to be told I was "chubby" as a kid. Will I ever get that image out of my head? I've lost 60 lbs since July 2009, and need to lose more, but even if I DO lose the additional 30 I need, will I see myself as attractive? will my dh love me if I lose the weight? will he still love me if I put weight back on? More importantly, when will I learn to love myself? Will I ever be able to say, I am who I am, God made me this way and so it must be what he wanted? Why am I the way I am? Why did God give me this propensity to eat when I'm stressed?

There's this hole inside of me, that I desperately need to fill. I KNOW that food won't fill it. I KNOW that food will make me feel worse, but I still reach for the food. I still reach for those things that I know are bad for me. If God made me, did he give me this struggle? Did he allow this struggle? Or is this just Satan trying to take me away from God? There's a real live war between God and Satan. I believe it. I've seen it. Angels and Demons, they are real. Jesus saves, he's helped me in so many ways this past year. Satan is attacking me and my family because of the success Jesus has given me (those 60 lbs I credit all to Jesus) ... why am I falling back now, why is it harder then ever to say "no" to those sweets. Why am I struggling with feeling deprived, and more lonely then ever?

So many questions .. and I've only just touched the surface. Maybe I'll find some answers along the path, praying it's the right path.