I want to be Beautiful

So, I thought about this some more. If any of you have ever read "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldredge, then you know that the one most deepest desire of all girls and women is to be beautiful. To captivate one person - their dad, and later, their husband. I struggle with this as I'm not the most attractive person, at least not in my mind. My husband says I'm beautiful, but oftentimes I feel they are just words. His actions don't speak on it one way or the other. I believe him, he's just not able to express it with his actions.

I heard this song again this morning .. makes me cry every time.



Am I beautiful? What does my face & body say to the world? Does it matter what I look like? It matters to me, has always mattered to me. I used to have a thicker skin, I think, but it still hurt to be neglected by boys, to be told I was "chubby" as a kid. Will I ever get that image out of my head? I've lost 60 lbs since July 2009, and need to lose more, but even if I DO lose the additional 30 I need, will I see myself as attractive? will my dh love me if I lose the weight? will he still love me if I put weight back on? More importantly, when will I learn to love myself? Will I ever be able to say, I am who I am, God made me this way and so it must be what he wanted? Why am I the way I am? Why did God give me this propensity to eat when I'm stressed?

There's this hole inside of me, that I desperately need to fill. I KNOW that food won't fill it. I KNOW that food will make me feel worse, but I still reach for the food. I still reach for those things that I know are bad for me. If God made me, did he give me this struggle? Did he allow this struggle? Or is this just Satan trying to take me away from God? There's a real live war between God and Satan. I believe it. I've seen it. Angels and Demons, they are real. Jesus saves, he's helped me in so many ways this past year. Satan is attacking me and my family because of the success Jesus has given me (those 60 lbs I credit all to Jesus) ... why am I falling back now, why is it harder then ever to say "no" to those sweets. Why am I struggling with feeling deprived, and more lonely then ever?

So many questions .. and I've only just touched the surface. Maybe I'll find some answers along the path, praying it's the right path.