Well, another day another disaapointment. I am just so tired of trying, and then being ignored.
Today's post may be a bit of a whine-fest, .. just fair warning ....
DH has been pre-occupied with his job search and other things this weekend. Namely his mistress .. but she isn't sexy and curvy, she's box-like with a screen, keyboard, and mouse. ARGH ... He likes to spend time on his computer, lots of time on his computer. and I know he's doing things that are good - searching for a new better job, helping my boss' wife with her computer and getting hers fixed so she can do the financials, but I get so jealous of the time he spends with computers sometimes. Normally I would try to be understanding and supportive, it's just that it's been several days and I've barely been able to get his attention, and it's probably mostly my fault for not being more direct .. and I don'tknow .. most likely I'm just being over-sensitive.
... but .. what makes everything worse, is that I thought my small group was going to have a make-up meeting today since we missed last week due to weather and I offered my house. So this morning I remember, and get up earleir then I normally would so that I can make a coffee cake and clean the house a little to make it more presentable. (I'm a really rotten housekeeper because I'd rather do most anything else other then clean my house!) OH, and the coffee cake I thought didnt' cook long enough - ended up too dry *sigh* .. guess I can't cook very well anymore. I had never gotten confirmation about the meeting, but she did say it was a good idea, and figured better safe then sorry .. and well, guess what, nobody came and nobody bothered to tell me that we weren't going to have a make-up day.
All this is just making me feel so lonely. Re-inforcing the thought that noone wants to be at my house with me, spend time with me, or take the time, spend the energy to get to know me. I feel like such an odd-ball. There is no one else around here that has the same interests I do. They all seem to be caught up in just their kids and keeping house, or they have full-time jobs. Or if they do have some of the interests I have, they have other people to share them with, and dont' need to bother with me.
I sit here doing nothing more then staring at this screen most of the day and wonder why the heck am I here. What wonderful purpose has God set before me that I am not seeing? Nothing I do seems to matter to anyone. Least of all to me. I knit sew quilt .. but those items seem useless, nobody wants the items I make .. I fear the ones I give away to people or to charity are being thrown in the garbage or set in a corner and never seen again. I've been struggling for so long, and I just get so tired. so tired.
We're born, we live, we die... Where is the purpose in that? Why are we here. Why am I here?
What does it matter if I sweep the floor or if I don't? What does it matter if I make supper or let the boys and dh fend for themselves? I just dont' see the point in anything today. I just want to go take a nap or go watch tv or something. so tired.....
I think I'm going to quit small group. I've thought this before. I dont' think it matters if I'm there or not. Nobody would really miss me if I wasn't there. Just stay home and do my own thing. Waiting for God to reveal what he wants me to do. I certainly am not getting any direction from him right now ....
I guess I'll just wait.
don'tknow what else to say or do . . . .
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well I have asked myself these same questions a lot too. I know God has obviously created you and me for our kids now that we have them. That does give us a sense of purpose. You have a husband...and I imagine doing all the things around the house counts towards showing our appreciation to God for all he has blessed us with....and helps us to make our homes a place of refuge for everyone...including ourselves. Right now I am not so good with that part. MY house is a mess...boxes of STUFF all over needing put away. I have no refuge in my bedroom. I am surrounded by too much disorganized chaos with the boxes and things needing put away somewhere.
ReplyDeleteSO I am not really taking the best care of my blessings God has provided me with....including my body. I try...do well for awhile...then for all sorts of reasons I give myself...I stop. I am back where I started or close to it. The cycle keeps repeating.
God created us so HE would not have to be alone. So WE would know how much HE loves us...he also created others in our lives to be with ....and surrounds us with many blessings and things to make our lives more enjoyable. I know it is very difficult to see that sometimes though as we tend to focus on all the things not quite the way we want them yet....or the things needing done which just tend to overwhelm us or make us so tired all the time to the point where we don't do anything at all.
I am right there with you. I am trying to break the cycle for good. It is hard. I know I am probably supposed to be doing so much more than I am.....but if I cannot even handle this yet....why would God possibly show me what's next? you know? I have not proven very well to myself let alone HIM that I CAN do everything I need to do here all the time and well..I screw up all the time. I slack off...I don't follow through. I get myself into jams.
I also think many many times no one would notice me missing in action. I think maybe a few would. My son...eventually a few family members or friends. BUT my friends are all online. I don't have any I do anything with in person any more. I don't belong to any groups.....I don't participate in any activities. I guess I need to change that.
I think if you quilt and sew it would be great to make baby quilts and donate to the Children's hospitals! THEY DO NOT throw them away and WILL give them to babies and families that need them and they appreciate them! My grandma crochets baby afghans and hats for our local Children's Hospital and they love them. It also gives her a sense of purpose.
I don't know why we always think there is more we should be doing than what we already are. Maybe we are to be good mom's and be happy and that is enough? I think I have to do this well before God will reveal to me what else I am to be doing. I have unfinished things in my life now that I have to finish in order to just make room for doing anything new at all.
So anyway........these are my thoughts.