Today ... I'm cold!

Well, today is turning out to be a fairly good day. It was negative degrees this morning, but the temps are climbing, although my hands are still frozen. I am on good footing with dh, which is excellent, even if I wish we could go forward. The boys DID have school, even though it was 2 hours late. And I helped out a friend to figure out blogger this morning. So all in all a good morning.

I saw this website: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/ and it brought to my attention Beth Moore's newest book - "So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us." And man, do I relate! I'm thinking of getting the book so I can work along with it on the blog. The title sounds like just something I need! I've look at my library's online catalog, and they don't have it :( .. so I can't borrow the book, may have to buy it.

But anyhoo, it got me thinking .. why am I so insecure. Why do I look at myself and think "what an ugly bitch"? Who put those thoughts in my head? I don't think I'm ugly, not really, it's more a fear of being ugly. I know I'm not "Farrah Fawcet" (man that dates me), but I'm not ... unattractive, am I? There are times that I see myself in the mirror, and I think, "Maybe I am a *little* bit pretty? Possibly?" .. but I don't believe it because no one has ever told me I'm pretty. The only thing I remember being called in regards to my physical appearance is "chubby" and "too tall". Which brings to mind another point - why the heck do I need others to tell me I'm attractive? Why can't I believe, on my own, that I'm attractive and a "good" person? Why can't I believe that I'm worth anything?

There are times when I'm content, and I wouldn't say happy, because I'm afraid to let myself be happy, but that's another story, but I get times of contentment, where for the moment.. just that moment, I'm ok with who I am, and I am able to keep the demons at bay. demons - satan - man, how he has attacked my dh, ds's and I these last few months. one trial after another.

Lord, God, please deliver us from Satan's attacks on us. Help us keep faith in you. So many times I feel like giving up. So many times I wonder if anything is worth doing, if my life is worth it. You created me, and so you must have a reason, you must think I'm worth it, but why can I not believe that? 'Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" about sums it up.

I'm counting calories again. I haven't been for months, but I kept climbing again this month, gained back 10 lbs on the scale yesterday ... and I just couldn't let it go anymore. My eating habits were getting worse, eating instead of letting myself feel my emptiness. I noticed today that my weight was down a few again, so that's good ... but I'm soooo hungry. I hate counting calories, only with God's help am I able to withstand it. He helps me bear it, and be able to do what must be done. That doesn't make it easy, far from it, but it makes it bearable. I need to lose 30-40 lbs .. and I will, but it may not fully happen until spring, summer. If I can just get down 10 lbs in the next couple of months I will be better.

I've come to realize something though, I lost 60 lbs over a period of a year last year ... and for a short time, it made me feel better about myself, but that didnt' last long. Losing the weight does not take away the insecurities and self-condemnation. I still see myself as fat and ugly, no matter what my physical body really is. I'm certainly not as fat as I used to be, but my emotional brain doesn't "count" it. It's hard to explain. I need to lose the weight for my physical well-being, and for my emotional well-being. It is certainly part of my self-image problem. But it won't solve the problem on it's own. Being skinny will not help me feel better about myself.

I need to learn to be ok with me. Just me. Who I am. This minute.

How do I do that? How do I learn to like myself? Is that why no one wants to be around me ? because I don't like myself? I don't let many people see that part of me. Hardly anyone knows that I hate myself most of the time. Dh knows of course. but no one else. Atleast I haven't revealed it to them consciously. Does anyone else know? mmmm .. thought to ponder. But then again, does it matter if anyone else knows? I hide behind a nice safe facade, and does anyone see me? Sometimes I think of the song "The Wall" by Pink Floyd. I listened to that song over and over and over again in high school. Also loved "Dark Side of the Moon". "Is there anybody out there?" very depressing albums though. Haven't really listened to them in a decade or more ... probably a good idea not to! lol

no more thoughts today - ds1 just called to ask for something to be brought to school that he forgot, and i said no - he'll have to deal with the consequences of him not checking his bag to make surehe had everything .. and part of me says he has to learn the lesson the hard way, and a part of me wants to rush over there and make everything alright. It's hard to say no - but he needs to learn responsibility, and if that means he doesn't get an A in every class, then so be it. *sigh* but now I'm feeling like a rotten mother :(